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Prank Call!

Hello Loyal Waitress Fans,

Thanks for bearing with me on my extended absence. I’ve recently returned from my solo journey around 2 continents and have landed back in the land of waitressing. It was an amazing trip and I feel so lucky to have gotten to see so many new parts of the world.

My managers were kind enough to give me my old job back, and I’ve begun collecting my ridiculous waitress stories once again!

And so, without further ado, I present to you the prank call we received this evening:

Me: “Hi, How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, do you have changing tables in the men’s restroom?”

Me: “Hi, no unfortunately we don’t have changing tables in either of our restrooms.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Well, how big are your bathrooms? Is there room to change diapers in there?”

Me: “They aren’t too big but many of the parents here haven’t had a problem changing their children. I’m sure you would be fine.”

Caller: “Well do you think there is room for a grown man? I will need to change my great grandfather’s diaper.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “I’m bringing in my great grandfather for dinner and I will have to change his diaper at some point.”

Me: (Brief pause….) “Sir, I’m not sure if we can really accommodate that kind of need.”

Caller: “Well, what if I put down a picnic blanket on the floor and paid one of your bus boys to stand outside the door while I change him?”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure putting down a….picnic blanket is the best idea.”

Caller: “It’s a really big picnic blanket.”

Me: “Sir I don’t really think the size of the blanket matters.”

Caller: “Well how am I supposed to change my great grandfather’s diaper?”

Me: “Perhaps you could change him before he comes in?”

Caller: “His changing needs are very unpredictable.”

Me: “Well Sir I don’t know if I can help you any further with this. Would you like to speak to my manager?”

Caller: <click> dial tone……..

Yes, my friends. It’s official. I have returned to the world of waitressing!

Sincerely,

TwentySomethingWaitress

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Waitress Hiatus!

A letter to all my loyal twenty something waitress followers,

My apologies for my major waitress hiatus, but my absence has been for good reason. I have been out of the country! Several months ago I moved out of my apartment, moved in with family, and spent the next few months saving money to take a ten week solo trip around Europe and North Africa. I ditched the life of french fries and mini skirts and swapped it for two and a half months of trains, planes, automobiles, camels, and lots of other amazing, crazy stuff along the way.

Part of me thought I was crazy for taking this trip. Breaking free of the routine I had known for so long was not easy at first. I also left with the knowledge that my job at the restaurant when I return is not guaranteed. But after six years of waiting tables, I knew it was time to take a leap and see the world. If there is something you’ve been waiting to do, putting off, or are just afraid to try, I hope that you will take a leap and do it, even if there are some risks involved. Here’s to adventure, and excitement, and quite simply, following your dreams.

Sincerely,

Twenty Something Wanderer

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Showing the Italians how to cross the street in style

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The Stork

I recently earned a new nick name at work: “The Stork.” You know, that awesome bird that drops newborn babies on people’s doorsteps? (because obviously that’s how babies are made.) How I got this nickname was a result of literally, the worst shift I have ever worked, ever, the shift I like to call “The Baby and The Black Out.”

It started off simple enough. A couple came in with their newborn baby (I’m talking a week old, tops) and asked where would be the best place to set up a high chair so they could put the baby’s car seat on top of it. It was pretty empty in the restaurant, and when they set up in the aisle between two booths, I told them, don’t worry, I”ll work around you.

WRONG.

Midway through their meal, the place started to get busy. As I was hustling around their table to give another table their check, my hip brushed against the highchair and….drum roll…..the highchair toppled, and the carseated baby went flying.

Fortunately (and fortunately is an understatement), the baby was strapped into the carseat, and let’s face it, carseats are meant to get bumped around in the event of an accident. Surely crash test dummies have also tested the effects of waitresses as well as large vehicles hurling towards them. After getting over the initial shock, the parents calmed down, got their baby to stop crying, and were incredibly nice throughout the meal. The fact that they tipped me after I nearly killed their child was quite generous, I thought.

Think the shift is over? No. It keeps going.

After now officially earning the name “The Stork”, because according to my co-worker, I “drop babies”, I hoped things would return to normal. I went to the back to grab some menus when I banged my knee right against the pressure point against a very sharp corner. It was some of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, and I’ve been tattooed multiple times. After a few minutes, I started to feel woozy. And a couple minutes after that…..

Yes….I blacked out. Apparently, this is something that can happen to people when they are in extreme pain. Having never had this experience, I thought for a moment I was losing my mind.

There is an upside to all of this baby dropping and blacking out though. I now know, no matter what happens during my shifts from now on, nothing can ever compare to the time I almost killed a newborn, blacked out, and hallucinated unicorns caring for me in my time of need.

They don’t pay me $8.00 an hour for nothing.

Sincerely,

Twenty Something Waitress

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Absolute Nonsense

There are a lot of things in this world that are absolute nonsense that I thoroughly enjoy.

A tree covered in tighty-whities

Original painting by Paul Killebrew

My wish for unicorns to be real

Then that are things that are absolute nonsense that I do NOT enjoy. Today’s example:

Conversation at work today:

Me: “Hi, how are you today?

Customer: “Chicken soup.”

Somewhere during the course of human evolution, it became okay not to acknowledge someone’s greeting, and simply retort back with a statement or command. I find myself living in an age where my customers don’t feel the need to make eye contact with me and “chicken soup” is now a legitimate emotion.

 
I’m willing to put up with a lot of stuff, but people who are unable to answer a simple question and look at me when they place their order is not one of them. Be happy, be sad, be just hanging in there. I will serve you no matter what, and I’ll be pretty nice too. But if you’re going to be chicken soup, then I’m going to be a unicorn, and last time I checked, unicorns don’t wait on rude people.
Sincerely,
Twenty Something Waitress
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Twenty Something New Years Resolutions

It is the new year, and you know what that means….It’s time to write my new year’s waitress resolutions. I have come up with the following, which I sincerely hope I will keep this coming year.

1. I will use the arcade token I received as a tip and play one round of ski ball.

2. I will not judge any customer who puts hot sauce on their oatmeal. (Yes, there is more than one.)

3. I will be sincerely grateful for all the creative customers who cross my path, including the customer who insisted he tip me in a mathematical symbol. ($13.00 plus Pi = $16.14)

4. I will not take someone’s dessert order, then only remember to bring it to them once 20 minutes have passed and they are staring at me like an angry vulture ready to attack.

5. I will tell the customers the soup of the day with a straight face, even when it  includes lima beans, brussel sprouts, or any other morally opposable vegetable.

6. I will always give a child one of my pens to draw or write with if I can’t find any crayons, and if I have time, ask them to draw me a picture. 

7. I will be the best twentysomethingwaitress I can be, even if I feel like this inside:

Happy New Year!!

Sincerely, TwentySomethingWaitress

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Will the Real Waitress please stand up?

2012 is here! But four days a week, I leave the 21st century for a bit, step into a world fashioned from another era and play the part of a 50′s waitress. It is a world complete with juke boxes, bar stools and classic American diner food. I wear a mini skirt. I refill 1,000 cups of coffee. But there is a skull and cross bones on my t-shirt, and sometimes I make up rap songs on the spot about french fries and apple pie to pass the time. The modern influences are clearly everywhere, (my future rap stardom included), but in some ways, not much has changed. Continue reading

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Dear (Very Confusing) Secret Santa

Dear Secret Santa from my place of employment,

Thank you for the time and effort you put into the purchase of women’s plus sized twelve underwear for me this year. You must have scoured the Secret Santa Gift Guide for hours to assure that I would receive the perfect gift. Although the underwear is literally 6 sizes too big, I feel confident I can come up with many resourceful, practical uses for my new plus sized gift. With my new underwear, I can:

Knit a stocking

Pitch a tent

Make an attractive head scarf

Dress a snowman

Make holiday place mats with elastic waist bands

Fashion a mosquito net for last minute jungle excursions

Swaddle a newborn set of quintuplets

Blindfold a set of school children for a fun game of pin the tail on the donkey

Make a new fashion statement and submit it to Vogue

Be the envy of friends and family

And of course, create memories that will last a life time

Thank you, secret santa. Christmas miracles really do come true.

Sincerely,

Twenty Something Waitress

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Dear Customers Who Are Apparently Terrified Of Me

Dear Customers Who Are Apparently Terrified of Me,

It’s a phenomenon I witness at least once per shift. I approach your table, ask how it’s going, and attempt to offer drinks or appetizers. I go to great lengths to be friendly. My voice now reaches octaves of cheerfulness I never knew possible until I started waitressing. Even on my most tired or frustrating days, I am confident that I look something along the lines of this: (Like a friendly waitress, that is, not an airbrushed Keri Russell.)

But at least once per shift, one of you gives me a terrified, confused look that leads me to believe I must look like this:

In case you weren’t aware, this is a restaurant, and I am a waitress. It is standard protocol for me to come to your table and engage in radical behavior like asking what you would like to eat. I’m sorry if this is disturbing in any way. If you could please help me better understand this “terrified of my waitress” phenomenon so that I can make the necessary changes to appear less like a hungry demon ready to devour you, I would really appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Twenty Something Waitress

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“Keep the change”….Literally

Dear Table 12,

Thank you for this generous tip. I now have the ability to:

1) Make 38 wishes in a wishing well. I wish you don’t ever sit in my section ever again, multiplied times 38.

2) Develop that early onset hunchback I’ve always wanted, as a result of carrying an equivalent of 25 pounds of change on the left side of my apron.

3) Transport myself back to the turn of the century, where I will buy penny candy for all the neighborhood children and still have money left over for a loaf of bread, a carton of milk and a gallon of gas.

Thank you for these amazing opportunities.

Sincerely, Twenty Something Waitress

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For the love of God, Seat Yourself

Dear extremely annoying customer from last night,

When I gave you a friendly greeting and said “Hi there, go ahead and take a menu and seat yourself,” and you responded, “Wow, should I go back there in the kitchen and cook my own food too?”, not only did you fail to realize that I’ve heard this “joke” about 100 times already, but that my inclination towards homicide steadily increases each time I hear it. Please re-think your take on comedy before walking into my establishment.

Sincerely,
Twenty Something Waitress